I find it interesting in this article, failure and mistake are used almost interchangeably. I also disagree everyone experiences failure. I think it depends on what you define as failure- I’ve never failed. I’ve goofed things up and have definitely had to say “I did xyz and can’t move forward. What do I or we need to do to walk it back to go forward again?” I’ve also had to say “That didn’t work as expected.” Never looked at it as a failure- it just didn’t work. I know there are many aspects of my life others will say I’ve failed at- I get told quite frequently how deficient I am but I don’t see them as failures. I know I see the world differently than everyone I come in contact with so there’s that as well. Hope you are having a wonderful day.
Hi Beth, I really appreciate your viewpoint, thank you for sharing. I can validate that, in your experiences, you have done a lot of the reframing and destigmatizing work regarding setbacks. I think a lot of people really struggle with that shift in thinking, just per my experience with my clients in therapy. I also find it interesting how many of us can reshape our views of our pasts once we’re out of the situation (and have greater perspectives), which I have found is more challenging to do when we are actually going through a difficulty in the moment. Just out of curiosity, when you are in the midst of a challenge or setback, what sorts of thoughts or self-talk do you notice that helps you to not see the situation in vivo as a failure?
To explain I need to be philosophical- children are born “knowing” nothing. What I mean is they don’t know what is socially acceptable, they don’t know what’s is defined as hate/love, they don’t know what is considered “normal”, they don’t know what is failure. Everything in life is what “we” define it as. Most times what we define is learned from our environment, parents, teachers, religion, sports, etc. I’ve always been curious. My favorite question is and always has been why? : “Why does it work that way?”; “Why is the moon always hanging around?”; “Why did that do that?” Etc. To everything there is an equal and opposite reaction. So in essence I’ve questioned everything my entire life to understand how it works and slides into the framework of life including its opposite. This means I’ve never adopted others definitions of words, truths, laws without “justification”. If it doesn’t fit-why doesn’t it fit? If it does fit- why does it fit? Sometimes it doesn’t fit and doesn’t make sense. This usually occurs with other humans’ emotions and definitions in which I acknowledge those people are who they’ve chosen to be. I then choose whether I want to continue to subject myself to the environment they create around them. I’m not saying there aren’t things I’ve had to reframe, being an empath I’ve had to reframe different interactions with others so I could understand and move on, but it’s not typically for what I’ve accomplished. Another action I do is actively look for information which is contrary to what I believe. The only way to grow is to be introduced to new information. Although at this time- this can be overwhelming and I’ve had to place time limits on trying to figure out the current chaos.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, Beth. It stood out to me what you wrote - "...I acknowledge those people are who they've chosen to be. I then choose whether I want to continue to subject myself to the environment they create around them." I love the both/and perspective here - acceptance of who someone is, while still maintaining your boundaries and making choices that align with your values. It is so important to have both.
Gosh, it’s like this article was made just for me -
“I want us to become more compassionate and empathic. I want us to learn together how to pull away from shame (including the shame we internally place on ourselves) and figure out how to be honest when it's the last thing we want to do. I want us to learn how good it can feel to be vulnerable.”
I’m very lucky, in that my partner is an LCSW in family intensive therapy - she’s the kindest, gentlest, and a relentlessly compassionate soul.
I think my own little addition to your wonderful writing is the importance of being with the right person, or maybe more widely applicably - being surrounded with the right people.
In my time in the military I was incessantly surrounded by a culture that supported grit, candor, honesty, commitment… but very little empathy, listening, understanding, bridging, and space for healing.
I recently wrote about my own experience finding that shame inside myself, and rooting it out like a disease - naming it, describing its shape and color, and where in the body I felt it. It was truly, a remarkable experience with an extraordinary therapist. I think that process can be very important in find our own compassion and opening the door to empathizing with other’s pain.
❤️ Thanks for the information, and sharing the growth.
Thank you for your thoughts and additions. I agree with you - it is so important to surround ourselves with the right people. What a difference it can make in our lives! People who are understanding, empathic, and loving create such a different environment for us to grow in (and fail in) than in environments where the support just isn't there.
Do you feel like in the military you personally dealt with struggles differently than you do now, given the culture that you were a part of? Thank you for sharing your experience of rooting out your own shame, and finding ways to externalize it in your life. It sounds like such a powerful, healing experience!
I react to them the same, but internally I would say yes, there’s much different work happening than back then. I do think resilience is an important element in the conversation, but the way that I go about resiliency looks much more like “I will persevere, and take the lesson from the experience along with me” versus the much more common “This cannot hurt me, I will disregard the idea that it has an effect on me”.
I find it interesting in this article, failure and mistake are used almost interchangeably. I also disagree everyone experiences failure. I think it depends on what you define as failure- I’ve never failed. I’ve goofed things up and have definitely had to say “I did xyz and can’t move forward. What do I or we need to do to walk it back to go forward again?” I’ve also had to say “That didn’t work as expected.” Never looked at it as a failure- it just didn’t work. I know there are many aspects of my life others will say I’ve failed at- I get told quite frequently how deficient I am but I don’t see them as failures. I know I see the world differently than everyone I come in contact with so there’s that as well. Hope you are having a wonderful day.
Hi Beth, I really appreciate your viewpoint, thank you for sharing. I can validate that, in your experiences, you have done a lot of the reframing and destigmatizing work regarding setbacks. I think a lot of people really struggle with that shift in thinking, just per my experience with my clients in therapy. I also find it interesting how many of us can reshape our views of our pasts once we’re out of the situation (and have greater perspectives), which I have found is more challenging to do when we are actually going through a difficulty in the moment. Just out of curiosity, when you are in the midst of a challenge or setback, what sorts of thoughts or self-talk do you notice that helps you to not see the situation in vivo as a failure?
To explain I need to be philosophical- children are born “knowing” nothing. What I mean is they don’t know what is socially acceptable, they don’t know what’s is defined as hate/love, they don’t know what is considered “normal”, they don’t know what is failure. Everything in life is what “we” define it as. Most times what we define is learned from our environment, parents, teachers, religion, sports, etc. I’ve always been curious. My favorite question is and always has been why? : “Why does it work that way?”; “Why is the moon always hanging around?”; “Why did that do that?” Etc. To everything there is an equal and opposite reaction. So in essence I’ve questioned everything my entire life to understand how it works and slides into the framework of life including its opposite. This means I’ve never adopted others definitions of words, truths, laws without “justification”. If it doesn’t fit-why doesn’t it fit? If it does fit- why does it fit? Sometimes it doesn’t fit and doesn’t make sense. This usually occurs with other humans’ emotions and definitions in which I acknowledge those people are who they’ve chosen to be. I then choose whether I want to continue to subject myself to the environment they create around them. I’m not saying there aren’t things I’ve had to reframe, being an empath I’ve had to reframe different interactions with others so I could understand and move on, but it’s not typically for what I’ve accomplished. Another action I do is actively look for information which is contrary to what I believe. The only way to grow is to be introduced to new information. Although at this time- this can be overwhelming and I’ve had to place time limits on trying to figure out the current chaos.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, Beth. It stood out to me what you wrote - "...I acknowledge those people are who they've chosen to be. I then choose whether I want to continue to subject myself to the environment they create around them." I love the both/and perspective here - acceptance of who someone is, while still maintaining your boundaries and making choices that align with your values. It is so important to have both.
Thank you- that has been a lesson I learned conceptually a long time ago but getting the emotional side on board was/is a work in progress.
Gosh, it’s like this article was made just for me -
“I want us to become more compassionate and empathic. I want us to learn together how to pull away from shame (including the shame we internally place on ourselves) and figure out how to be honest when it's the last thing we want to do. I want us to learn how good it can feel to be vulnerable.”
I’m very lucky, in that my partner is an LCSW in family intensive therapy - she’s the kindest, gentlest, and a relentlessly compassionate soul.
I think my own little addition to your wonderful writing is the importance of being with the right person, or maybe more widely applicably - being surrounded with the right people.
In my time in the military I was incessantly surrounded by a culture that supported grit, candor, honesty, commitment… but very little empathy, listening, understanding, bridging, and space for healing.
I recently wrote about my own experience finding that shame inside myself, and rooting it out like a disease - naming it, describing its shape and color, and where in the body I felt it. It was truly, a remarkable experience with an extraordinary therapist. I think that process can be very important in find our own compassion and opening the door to empathizing with other’s pain.
❤️ Thanks for the information, and sharing the growth.
Thank you for your thoughts and additions. I agree with you - it is so important to surround ourselves with the right people. What a difference it can make in our lives! People who are understanding, empathic, and loving create such a different environment for us to grow in (and fail in) than in environments where the support just isn't there.
Do you feel like in the military you personally dealt with struggles differently than you do now, given the culture that you were a part of? Thank you for sharing your experience of rooting out your own shame, and finding ways to externalize it in your life. It sounds like such a powerful, healing experience!
I react to them the same, but internally I would say yes, there’s much different work happening than back then. I do think resilience is an important element in the conversation, but the way that I go about resiliency looks much more like “I will persevere, and take the lesson from the experience along with me” versus the much more common “This cannot hurt me, I will disregard the idea that it has an effect on me”.